[SOLVED] Tools for Mindful Living

Critical Thinking Questions/Prompts for Module 5:
Tools for Mindful Living (Chapters 9 & 10)
⦁ Read Belinda and Her Dream in chapter 9 and describe 2 ways your Mindless Monster controls you and takes away your personal power. Please use complete sentences.
⦁ What do you think was the most important piece of information chapter 10 shares about communication and explain why this stood out for you. Please use complete sentences.
Ch 9 WITNESS YOUR THOUGHTS
Your Mindless Monster—Negative Nudger
Simply noticing is not about understanding or analyzing; it involves paying attention to what’s happening right now. When we allow our thoughts to control our experience, we alter that experience. Has this ever happened to you? You are attempting to complete a task. Suddenly you have thoughts that intrude upon your experience that may sound something like “I can’t do this. This is too difficult. I failed last time and I know it will happen again.” Negative thinking is the central role of our Mindless Monster who keeps us stuck in the past or obsessing about the future. Avoiding feelings and thoughts does not solve the problem. If we do not confront those intruding and nudging feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, they are stored and accumulate power, which leaves us feeling more helpless to deal with them. In some respects when we are afraid to challenge those negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, we are thrown into the past. Fear prevents us from embracing the present moment. When you think about it, there really is nowhere else to be but right here right now!
Each one of us has a Mindless Monster and some of us have more than one. The role of our Mindless Monster is to keep us in a negative thought process, which prevents us from “being in the moment” and enjoying life to its fullest. How does our Mindless Monster do this? Take Mary, for example. She is an overachieving teacher who usually pushes herself to the point of exhaustion, consequently neglecting herself, feeling tired, and not getting enough rest. Mary’s Mindless Monster—let’s call it “Want It All Woman”— moves in for the kill when Mary attempts to take care of herself. Her Mindless Monster reminds her to “keep on pushing” and do it all in order to be good enough. Her exhaustion wears down her immune system, making her prone to illness, which, in turn, forces her to slow down. It is unfortunate Mary has to become ill to slow down and take care of herself.
Another example is Jack. He is an easygoing accountant. A devoted father, partner, and employee, he tries to please people and believes that if he gives everyone what he or she wants, they will love and accept him. Needless to say, Jack gives to others but neglects himself. He hopes that others will notice his needs and care for him as he cares for others. When he is not noticed, he feels rejected, angry, and disappointed. Jack’s Mindless Monster, the “Purple People Pleaser,” reminds Jack he will face rejection if he does not give it all away. He holds on to his resentments and is prone to ulcers and digestive problems.
Our mindlessness traps us in many ways. Here are a few things to consider when evaluating your Mindless Monster:
• Living in the box—you learn one way of doing something and avoid trying new ways of doing the same task.
• Permanent autopilot—you do things without awareness such as brushing your teeth, driving your car, and being stuck in negative relationships.
• Single-mindedness—you hold onto old beliefs and avoid the endless possibilities.
Belinda and Her Dream
The story of Belinda and her dream is a reminder of how negative thinking can control our relationships. Belinda had been in several romantic relationships that ended in disappointment. She felt that her partners were not interested enough in her, which began a pattern of her making excessive demands for attention. When her partners did not meet her expectations, she became angry and lashed out toward them, all the while feeling rejected. Her last relationship with Derek was the greatest disappointment, as she felt confident that he would be her life partner.
Belinda had a repetitive dream where she feeling content as she walked hand-in-hand with Derek. As the walk continued, thoughts of feeling worthless emerged, setting off a series of accusations toward Derek that he did not love her and in fact desired other women. Belinda awakened from these dreams sweating, feeling angry and anxious with dread of the dream reoccurring. Following the four-step MAC model, Belinda began to make changes.
Through her daily mindfulness practice, Belinda acknowledged the excessive demands she placed on Derek for attention and intentionally paid attention to her negative self-talk. Accepting without judgment her awareness and thoughts for Derek and herself, Belinda began to notice feelings toward her father emerge. She felt angry as she remembered an incident when she placed first in a high school track meet and hoped to receive praise from her father, only to experience his minimizing her success. Memories of feeling unimportant in his eyes brought a deep feeling of sadness. Belinda acknowledged that she was looking for her father’s approval and attention in every relationship she encountered, which set the stage for failure. As Belinda let go of her need for approval and attention, she was able to see her relationship with Derek more clearly. When her need for attention reared its head, instead of feeding her unrealistic expectations, she embraced the emotions as a friendly reminder that she was indeed worthy.
MAC Your Thoughts
The mind is a beautiful thing! It becomes a danger zone when our thoughts take over the rest of our body, emotions, breath, instincts, and truth. Insomnia is one sign of a mind controlled by thoughts. Insomnia prevails in the lives of millions of people. A racing mind can lead to stress overload and the rationalization of thoughts so that we lose the meaning of the experience. It can be a treacherous road. When repetitive negative thinking is high because of worrying and ruminating, emotional problems have been found.2 This often leads to disorganization, confusion, and forgetfulness.
College students are faced with many new life style changes such as managing finances and time, cooking, developing new relationships, and the overall challenge of academic life. Students often find themselves staying up late at night. One wonders how that time is actually spent: relaxing or pushing the envelope to get things done? A sleep study of college students evaluating repetitive negative thinking found that students who slept for shorter periods of time and went to bed later experienced more repetitive negative thinking.3
How do we enjoy the many thoughts and ideas that we have? Let’s look at ways to MAC your thoughts so they serve you instead of throwing you off the path of balance.
Empathically Acknowledge
We all have that little voice inside that sometimes takes us out of the moment without our noticing. That voice can take the form of whispering that we are not good enough or of shouting at us to please others and ignore our own needs. Some have many voices calling out at varying decibels that come in the form of feeling dependent, helpless, entitled, omnipotent, or selfish. Depending upon our life experiences with family, employees, employers, friends, and self, we may have other voices as well. The first step you are learning throughout this book is to acknowledge what the little or big voices are saying. Make friends with your voices and place yourself on top of the power hierarchy. When you take this step, you are able to create the space to move toward the challenge of ultimately quieting your Mindless Monster and engaging your Mindful Captain.
Intentional Attention
Pay attention to the many situations you encounter that call out your Mindless Monster. Notice your breathing, muscles, body temperature, and emotions and how they react to those thoughts. Pay attention to the people in your life who may participate in inviting your Mindless Monster to enter a situation. Then realize that when you embrace the moment, your Mindful Captain becomes the boss.
Nonjudgmental Acceptance
As noted earlier, we all have those voices that take us out of the moment and throw us into negative thinking. Accept your humanness without judgment and face your Mindless Monster head on instead of ignoring it or running away. When you accept your thoughts, all of them, you give your Mindful Captain permission to accept you, all of you, just as you are.
Willingly Choose
Imagine how wonderful you will feel when your Mindless Monster is asked to leave the premises of your mind! As you open the door for self-acceptance, speaking your truth, and maybe even getting a good night’s sleep, you choose to move forward and let go!
Think about your Mindless Monster. You may have several. How does your Mindless Monster invade and control you and prevent you from paying attention to what you need? Once you have reflected and worked on the activities, turn your attention to you Mindful Captain. Witness who you are and who you can become!
Quieting the Mindless Monster
Insomnia is usually a result of your Mindless Monster keeping your thoughts racing when you need to slow down and get ready for sleep. Here is an activity to help you quiet the Mindless Monster when you need to sleep. You must follow these steps exactly as prescribed!
Getting Ready for Sleep
1. Lie down and get comfortable in your bed.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Imagine a blackboard (not a white board) next to you.
4. Imagine a piece of chalk and an eraser on a nearby table.
Let’s Sleep
1. Take the chalk and eraser and walk over to the blackboard.
2. Write the number 100.
3. Draw a circle around the number 100.
4. Take the easer and erase everything on the board.
5. Put the chalk and easer back on the table.
6. Pick up the chalk and eraser and go back to the blackboard.
7. Write the number 99.
8. Follow steps 4–6 exactly, counting down until you fall asleep.
The power of the mind goes far beyond our imagination. This simple exercise will remind you of that powerful connection between our physical and mental states.
MINDFUL CAPTAIN—FLEXIBLE FRIEND
As mentioned earlier, “we are all perfect in our imperfections.” The impact of experiences from childhood through adulthood often determines the type of Mindless Monster (or Monsters) that we nurture. That little voice is given quite a bit of power when we engage by reacting. There are many ingredients that factor into how we make decisions. If we made rational choices, we might follow classical decision theory, which states that when one makes a decision, the goal is to maximize the gain or expected outcome and use the information of that decision to accomplish that goal.6
The problem with this theory is that many of us do not make decisions by weighing the odds of the outcome and taking time to weigh the “checks and balances” of those decisions. Many of the decisions we make are based on how we feel emotionally at the time. If we are feeling emotional about a decision, it may not be a good one.
Let’s look at where our Mindful Captain comes in to making good decisions. If we indeed are experiencing emotions when making a decision, those emotions do not have to negatively impact the decision. In fact, when we acknowledge those emotions without judging them, they can be a factor in making a good decision. All the information that is needed to accomplish the goal with a satisfactory outcome increases our ability to choose how we approach the experience. All decisions cannot be based on one way of thinking such as classical decision theory since there are many factors involved in making good decisions for the best outcome. With mindfulness being the key ingredient, we are able to weigh thought, feelings and senses to add to the equation of optimal decision making. Once we acknowledge our Mindless Monster (or Monsters); pay attention to our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions; and accept them without judgment we can then choose to move forward and silence our Mindless Monster(s) with our Mindful Captain.
We know that life will present challenges. Our Mindful Captain is fearless, giving us the courage to move through challenges regardless of the outcome. Mindfully moving through those challenges offers many opportunities for awareness, growth, and the ability to view situations from a new perspective. Time is precious and we know that when we are stuck in old patterns of thinking and behaving we lose those precious moments.
When we engage our Mindful Captain, time is our friend and we push through those negative patterns and are able to embrace new horizons, have a fresh look, and begin building the infrastructure of living in the moment. Regardless of the challenges we face, when we acknowledge, pay attention, and accept without judgment, we are better able to choose how experiences will impact our lives and increase our propensity for happiness. Let’s begin empowering your Mindful Captain by reflecting upon your personal inner voices.
Staying focused in the moment is the job of our Mindful Captain. This is the only voice we want to hear and engage while responding to our experiences. Viewing our experiences through the lens of mindfulness will empower us to invite our Mindless Monster to take a back seat. Are you willing to choose to be the Mindful Captain of your ship? If your answer is yes, it is time to stop Taking orders from your Mindless Monster.
What is the role of your Mindful Captain?
Responds
Listens
Takes Risks
Facilitates Guiltless Self Care
Mindful Lemon Imagery
1. Close your eyes.
2. Imagine that you have a bowl filled with lemons cut up in small pieces.
3. Imagine taking one piece and putting it in your mouth.
4. Imagine sucking on the lemon.
5. Notice what happens.
CH 10 MINDFUL COMMUNICATION
MAC Your Communication
When we engage in communication without the impediment of internal or external filters, our connection to the person with whom we are communicating strengthens. There are many styles of communication that are related to one’s experience, culture, age, gender, and environment. The most important ingredient to consider is whether or not we are effectively connecting with the listener(s). Regardless of communication style, most of what is communicated is nonverbal. If we stop and think about this, how often are we aware of our facial expressions, body language, physical distance, and tone of speech? We may not be aware of these communicators, yet those we are speaking to are directly impacted by these nonverbal messages. Paying attention to feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and instincts are all nonverbal ingredients that add to mindful communication.
Non-Verbal Communication
As we have discussed throughout this book, our body is always communicating. What information are we communicating with others? Let’s take a look. More often than not, we focus on facial expression when we communicate. There are many other communicators that take an active role and add to a mindful communication interaction. Body language in the form of gestures is an interesting phenomenon in communication. Several studies have found that listener’s focus on the speaker’s face rather than the gestures being made during a verbal interaction. However, listeners focus on the speaker’s gestures more often when 1) the speaker looks at his/her own gestures while speaking, 2) when the gesture is located on the periphery of the speaker’s body and in front of the listener’s and 3) when the gesture is suspended in midair with a pause before the speaker continues.1 This example of gesturing while speaking reminds us that our attention to our own body language increases the listener’s propensity for focusing not only on our facial expressions but our gestures as well.
Many of us have experienced communicating with someone who speaks a language other than our own. Various attempts at gestures and facial expression can be surprisingly successful. Effectively communicating human emotion through facial expression, even if one does not speak the same language, can happen. In addition to facial expression, does one’s tone of voice add to effectively communicating emotion? Does culture factor in how much emotion is communicated? One study found that a speaker’s tone of voice was effectively able to communicate emotion regardless of the linguistic similarity. However, in this study, native Argentine speakers were able to recognize emotions more through vocal cues. This result leads to the conclusion that culturally-learned facial and vocal behaviors are recognized and increase communication.2
Boys and Girls
From an early age, we begin to see differences between how girls and boys communicate with each other. Boys generally communicate in groups with strong ties, usually in the form of an activity with well-defined dominance hierarchies. True to what many expect of boys, they generally engage in more physical rough play and when they reach adolescence, they engage in more sports and games than girls do. Boys have been found to talk frequently to each other during their interactions, yet girls have more extensive interactions with their peers. It is not unusual to find girls talking for hours with each other. Think about the average sleepover. Girls often sit up all night talking while boys often sit up all night playing games.
As girls approach adolescence they share more about themselves than boys do and are more cooperative with each other.3 Adolescence is a time of increased communication with peers as adolescents are in a place of both physical and emotional transformation. Communicating with others who are experiencing similar changes can be soothing and affirming, yet the pull toward acceptance and competition can derail effective communication with emotional reactions and irrational thinking. Many of the communication patterns that develop for boys and girls continue well into adulthood and color the interactions in friendships, couples, parenting, and the workplace.
Men and Women in the Workplace
Most of us may agree that there are clear differences in the communication styles between men and women. There is a plethora of information regarding these differences. They have been discussed, accepted, tolerated, and often unchallenged over the decades. As women have fought for equal rights and have taken significant leadership roles in the workforce, communication styles have been examined and the environment of organizations has changed. With regard to sales positions, women have been found to develop the relationship first and then focus on reaching the goal of the sale. Men, on the other hand, tend to be more direct and focus on reaching the goal, building the relationship in the process.4 One might argue that women have been leaders throughout history and have been striving for recognition and equal rights for centuries. When we look at what is important in life, we realize that being an integral and active participant in relationships is the key, not only to healthy ego development, but happiness as well. Taking this a step further, when we are happy we live healthier lives. One might say that bearing and raising children, managing a household, being a support to partners and family, and over the last few decades, becoming a major player in the workforce places women in key position for leadership. To that end, they have developed a variety of communication skills to be successful leaders.
Although more women are in management positions, African American and Asian American women still comprise only 5.3% and 2.7% of all management positions, respectively.5 Even though women hold management positions, men still hold significantly more leadership positions. When we look at the differences between how men and women communicate, one might come to the conclusion that women are not strong leaders since their communication style is not dominant. On the other hand, women excel in communication due to their ability to process, explore, and listen. For example, men have been found to use language to enhance social dominance whereas women use language to enhance social relationships. In addition, men tend to offer solutions to problems to avoid unnecessary discussion of interpersonal problems while women use more expressive, polite, and tentative communication.6 One might perceive that avoiding discussion of interpersonal problems may detract from understanding what is going on and women’s tendency to be polite and tentative may be viewed as a weakness in leadership. In general, male leaders may be viewed as “take charge” and female leaders more “take care.”7
Men and Women Communicating
Let’s take a look at two communication experts. John Gray’s description of differences in communication styles between men and women from his book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in a Relationship has been read by millions of people seeking information on how to effectively communicate to develop intimate relationships. In her book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Deborah Tannen also discusses the gender differences in communication styles between men and women, but focuses more on how gender differences begin at a young age.
Children Communicating With Children
If you have ever witnessed children playing together, or for that matter, remember your own experiences playing as a child, you will notice how different the communication style of children is from that of adults. Children live in the present. They are spontaneous, creative, and intelligent beings that love adventure. The world is their playground. Children are mindful beings.
Let’s read the story of Jack and Jane. It may sound familiar.
Jane comes to Jack’s house and taps on the window. She has a big smile on her face. Jack runs to the door without saying a word. There is no plan, simply acknowledging the moment as he joins Jane witnessing the vast world before them. He asks, “Want to play?” She says, “Let’s go!” This begins their journey for the day. Together they look around and pay attention to how they feel and what they see. They walk toward the park together. It’s a familiar place. At the same time, they see a large mound of sand that stands about six feet tall. This is a new addition. They are not thinking about the purpose of this mound. They run up the mound. Laughing hysterically, they run down, failing to notice their sand-filled shoes. They both look up at the mound. They grab each other’s hands, run up to the top, and roll wildly down, feeling the rush of wind and excitement of the unknown.
When they get to the bottom, they are full of sand from head to toe. Looking up at the mound, then the sky, then at each other, they settle down. Jack says, “I’m hungry.” Jane reminds him it’s her turn to bring a snack. She runs over to her backpack and shares a yogurt, a piece of fruit, nuts, and a bottle of water. Still full of sand, they lick the yogurt off their lips, smell the different scents, and touch the soft fruit as they stir the yogurt around in the cups. When they eat the nuts, both Jack and Jane hold the nuts in their hands and decide to share by evening up the small ones and big ones. They pay attention to their senses while eating and then take a few sips of water. All at once they look at each other, place the empty snack packages in the backpack, and run up the mound once again. This time they discover a new way to play. They find a large piece of cardboard they can both sit on. They drag it up the mound, sit on it together, hold on to each other and slide down, all the while laughing hysterically! After all this excitement, they see some friends playing on the jungle gym. In unison, they run to join them and report the details of their adventure. What a day!
Parents Communicating With Children
Communication styles between parents and children can set the stage for positive or negative childhood development that impacts children’s relationships not only with their parents, but with their future partners, friendships, and eventually their own children. After reading the story about Jack and Jane, adults may not view climbing up and down a sand mound as being as exciting as a child would. What may come to our mind? We might ruminate about the past—“I remember when I fell down and sprained my ankle, this is too dangerous!” We might project into the future—“What a mess, I don’t have time for cleaning up all this sand, and the laundry and sand all over the bathtub!” Unfortunately, parents often insulate themselves from the fun and spontaneity of child’s play by worrying and projecting negative thoughts. This can create a barrier between parent and child. Short of safety measures, parents may find themselves having more fun if they communicate with their children with mindfulness.
We develop our listening skills early in our own childhood. How we pay attention follows us in all of our relationships. The relationship between parent and child is especially important because prior to the child’s development of language skills, parents must develop acute sensitivity to the non-verbal cues that are critical in identifying a child’s needs. When parents are not paying attention, the bond that creates trust is decreased, setting the stage for an unhappy child. Parents are given the responsibility to keep children safe from themselves as well as others. The child’s cry is only one avenue of communication; body language such as relaxed or stiff muscles, facial expression, tone, and intensity of vocalizations and frequency are all indicators of how children communicate.
As children mature, parents are challenged by their child’s independence, which begins at two years old and continues until early adulthood. Other communication styles come into play as the child matures and more often than not, a parent’s emotional tolerance is challenged. From the moment a child begins saying “No!” during toddlerhood to “I’m not coming home at that time; everyone else gets to stay out!” parents are challenged. Emotional regulation is often out of balance with parents doing more reacting than responding and moving into fight or flight scenarios. When parents are mindful, they are better equipped to acknowledge their experience as it is happening by empathically “walking in the child’s shoes,” paying attention to how the child is feeling and behaving, accepting their experience with their child without judgment, and with a compassionate presence. Last but not least, mindful parents choose to live harmoniously in the experience with their child and are able to let go of any negativity that might keep them stuck.
The Mindful Parent
The mindful parent responds rather than reacts. Acknowledging the experience just as it is without adding internal or external filters; paying attention to all aspects of the experience; letting go of judgment, and choosing to embrace the experience may bring lots of joy and connection between a parent and child. When we think about stories that bring laughter, they are often about spontaneous events that have occurred, or an unexpected outcome. Simply stated, they are about a mindful experience!
Empathically Acknowledge
Paraphrase to let the receiver know that you understand what is being communicated. Use your own words to state what you are hearing. Use the sender’s words for clarification.
Tips
• Offer a couple of sentences for every key point the sender makes.
• Try to experience exactly what the sender is communicating.
• If you don’t understand, share what you did understand and ask for clarification.
Intentional Attention
Describe your observations of the sender’s behavior to clarify what you see feel and hear.
Notice:
• Affect
• Tone of voice
• Rate of speech
• Body language
• Emotions
Example
Mary:
I don’t have tickets for the concert to see my favorite recording artist. John said he would pick up the tickets, but he forgot. I guess there’s always next time.
Paul:
It appears to me that you are disappointed that you are not going. Are you upset with John for forgetting?
Mary:
No, there’s nothing I can do now. (Mary’s face tightens. Her voice is restricted and has a low growl to it.)
Paul:
I feel that you are upset with John as I see your face tighten and hear some anger in your voice.
Mary:
I suppose I am a bit upset with John. I guess I didn’t want to admit it. I think I will discuss it with him.
Accept Without Judgment
Before you offer feedback, wait until the sender is finished speaking; then you can give your thoughts, opinions, and feelings without judgment.
Tips
Allow the speaker to finish before you speak.
Accept what was communicated.
Keep the speaker’s thoughts and feelings in mind when responding.
Willingly Choose
When we own our experience and make “I” statements, we take responsibility for our actions, words, and behavior, which enhances our ability to communicate mindfully.
Listen to the Silence
People often do not want our opinions or advice; they simply want to be heard. Be mindful of sharing a loving presence when words are not necessary.
Choose a time during the week when you can observe silence for a few hours. Turn off the cell phone, television, IPod, and any verbal communication. Describe your experience.
Critical Thinking Questions/Prompts for Module 5:
Tools for Mindful Living (Chapters 9 & 10)
⦁ Read Belinda and Her Dream in chapter 9 and describe 2 ways your Mindless Monster controls you and takes away your personal power. Please use complete sentences.
⦁ What do you think was the most important piece of information chapter 10 shares about communication and explain why this stood out for you. Please use complete sentences.
Ch 9 WITNESS YOUR THOUGHTS
Your Mindless Monster—Negative Nudger
Simply noticing is not about understanding or analyzing; it involves paying attention to what’s happening right now. When we allow our thoughts to control our experience, we alter that experience. Has this ever happened to you? You are attempting to complete a task. Suddenly you have thoughts that intrude upon your experience that may sound something like “I can’t do this. This is too difficult. I failed last time and I know it will happen again.” Negative thinking is the central role of our Mindless Monster who keeps us stuck in the past or obsessing about the future. Avoiding feelings and thoughts does not solve the problem. If we do not confront those intruding and nudging feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, they are stored and accumulate power, which leaves us feeling more helpless to deal with them. In some respects when we are afraid to challenge those negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, we are thrown into the past. Fear prevents us from embracing the present moment. When you think about it, there really is nowhere else to be but right here right now!
Each one of us has a Mindless Monster and some of us have more than one. The role of our Mindless Monster is to keep us in a negative thought process, which prevents us from “being in the moment” and enjoying life to its fullest. How does our Mindless Monster do this? Take Mary, for example. She is an overachieving teacher who usually pushes herself to the point of exhaustion, consequently neglecting herself, feeling tired, and not getting enough rest. Mary’s Mindless Monster—let’s call it “Want It All Woman”— moves in for the kill when Mary attempts to take care of herself. Her Mindless Monster reminds her to “keep on pushing” and do it all in order to be good enough. Her exhaustion wears down her immune system, making her prone to illness, which, in turn, forces her to slow down. It is unfortunate Mary has to become ill to slow down and take care of herself.
Another example is Jack. He is an easygoing accountant. A devoted father, partner, and employee, he tries to please people and believes that if he gives everyone what he or she wants, they will love and accept him. Needless to say, Jack gives to others but neglects himself. He hopes that others will notice his needs and care for him as he cares for others. When he is not noticed, he feels rejected, angry, and disappointed. Jack’s Mindless Monster, the “Purple People Pleaser,” reminds Jack he will face rejection if he does not give it all away. He holds on to his resentments and is prone to ulcers and digestive problems.
Our mindlessness traps us in many ways. Here are a few things to consider when evaluating your Mindless Monster:
• Living in the box—you learn one way of doing something and avoid trying new ways of doing the same task.
• Permanent autopilot—you do things without awareness such as brushing your teeth, driving your car, and being stuck in negative relationships.
• Single-mindedness—you hold onto old beliefs and avoid the endless possibilities.
Belinda and Her Dream
The story of Belinda and her dream is a reminder of how negative thinking can control our relationships. Belinda had been in several romantic relationships that ended in disappointment. She felt that her partners were not interested enough in her, which began a pattern of her making excessive demands for attention. When her partners did not meet her expectations, she became angry and lashed out toward them, all the while feeling rejected. Her last relationship with Derek was the greatest disappointment, as she felt confident that he would be her life partner.
Belinda had a repetitive dream where she feeling content as she walked hand-in-hand with Derek. As the walk continued, thoughts of feeling worthless emerged, setting off a series of accusations toward Derek that he did not love her and in fact desired other women. Belinda awakened from these dreams sweating, feeling angry and anxious with dread of the dream reoccurring. Following the four-step MAC model, Belinda began to make changes.
Through her daily mindfulness practice, Belinda acknowledged the excessive demands she placed on Derek for attention and intentionally paid attention to her negative self-talk. Accepting without judgment her awareness and thoughts for Derek and herself, Belinda began to notice feelings toward her father emerge. She felt angry as she remembered an incident when she placed first in a high school track meet and hoped to receive praise from her father, only to experience his minimizing her success. Memories of feeling unimportant in his eyes brought a deep feeling of sadness. Belinda acknowledged that she was looking for her father’s approval and attention in every relationship she encountered, which set the stage for failure. As Belinda let go of her need for approval and attention, she was able to see her relationship with Derek more clearly. When her need for attention reared its head, instead of feeding her unrealistic expectations, she embraced the emotions as a friendly reminder that she was indeed worthy.
MAC Your Thoughts
The mind is a beautiful thing! It becomes a danger zone when our thoughts take over the rest of our body, emotions, breath, instincts, and truth. Insomnia is one sign of a mind controlled by thoughts. Insomnia prevails in the lives of millions of people. A racing mind can lead to stress overload and the rationalization of thoughts so that we lose the meaning of the experience. It can be a treacherous road. When repetitive negative thinking is high because of worrying and ruminating, emotional problems have been found.2 This often leads to disorganization, confusion, and forgetfulness.
College students are faced with many new life style changes such as managing finances and time, cooking, developing new relationships, and the overall challenge of academic life. Students often find themselves staying up late at night. One wonders how that time is actually spent: relaxing or pushing the envelope to get things done? A sleep study of college students evaluating repetitive negative thinking found that students who slept for shorter periods of time and went to bed later experienced more repetitive negative thinking.3
How do we enjoy the many thoughts and ideas that we have? Let’s look at ways to MAC your thoughts so they serve you instead of throwing you off the path of balance.
Empathically Acknowledge
We all have that little voice inside that sometimes takes us out of the moment without our noticing. That voice can take the form of whispering that we are not good enough or of shouting at us to please others and ignore our own needs. Some have many voices calling out at varying decibels that come in the form of feeling dependent, helpless, entitled, omnipotent, or selfish. Depending upon our life experiences with family, employees, employers, friends, and self, we may have other voices as well. The first step you are learning throughout this book is to acknowledge what the little or big voices are saying. Make friends with your voices and place yourself on top of the power hierarchy. When you take this step, you are able to create the space to move toward the challenge of ultimately quieting your Mindless Monster and engaging your Mindful Captain.
Intentional Attention
Pay attention to the many situations you encounter that call out your Mindless Monster. Notice your breathing, muscles, body temperature, and emotions and how they react to those thoughts. Pay attention to the people in your life who may participate in inviting your Mindless Monster to enter a situation. Then realize that when you embrace the moment, your Mindful Captain becomes the boss.
Nonjudgmental Acceptance
As noted earlier, we all have those voices that take us out of the moment and throw us into negative thinking. Accept your humanness without judgment and face your Mindless Monster head on instead of ignoring it or running away. When you accept your thoughts, all of them, you give your Mindful Captain permission to accept you, all of you, just as you are.
Willingly Choose
Imagine how wonderful you will feel when your Mindless Monster is asked to leave the premises of your mind! As you open the door for self-acceptance, speaking your truth, and maybe even getting a good night’s sleep, you choose to move forward and let go!
Think about your Mindless Monster. You may have several. How does your Mindless Monster invade and control you and prevent you from paying attention to what you need? Once you have reflected and worked on the activities, turn your attention to you Mindful Captain. Witness who you are and who you can become!
Quieting the Mindless Monster
Insomnia is usually a result of your Mindless Monster keeping your thoughts racing when you need to slow down and get ready for sleep. Here is an activity to help you quiet the Mindless Monster when you need to sleep. You must follow these steps exactly as prescribed!
Getting Ready for Sleep
1. Lie down and get comfortable in your bed.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Imagine a blackboard (not a white board) next to you.
4. Imagine a piece of chalk and an eraser on a nearby table.
Let’s Sleep
1. Take the chalk and eraser and walk over to the blackboard.
2. Write the number 100.
3. Draw a circle around the number 100.
4. Take the easer and erase everything on the board.
5. Put the chalk and easer back on the table.
6. Pick up the chalk and eraser and go back to the blackboard.
7. Write the number 99.
8. Follow steps 4–6 exactly, counting down until you fall asleep.
The power of the mind goes far beyond our imagination. This simple exercise will remind you of that powerful connection between our physical and mental states.
MINDFUL CAPTAIN—FLEXIBLE FRIEND
As mentioned earlier, “we are all perfect in our imperfections.” The impact of experiences from childhood through adulthood often determines the type of Mindless Monster (or Monsters) that we nurture. That little voice is given quite a bit of power when we engage by reacting. There are many ingredients that factor into how we make decisions. If we made rational choices, we might follow classical decision theory, which states that when one makes a decision, the goal is to maximize the gain or expected outcome and use the information of that decision to accomplish that goal.6
The problem with this theory is that many of us do not make decisions by weighing the odds of the outcome and taking time to weigh the “checks and balances” of those decisions. Many of the decisions we make are based on how we feel emotionally at the time. If we are feeling emotional about a decision, it may not be a good one.
Let’s look at where our Mindful Captain comes in to making good decisions. If we indeed are experiencing emotions when making a decision, those emotions do not have to negatively impact the decision. In fact, when we acknowledge those emotions without judging them, they can be a factor in making a good decision. All the information that is needed to accomplish the goal with a satisfactory outcome increases our ability to choose how we approach the experience. All decisions cannot be based on one way of thinking such as classical decision theory since there are many factors involved in making good decisions for the best outcome. With mindfulness being the key ingredient, we are able to weigh thought, feelings and senses to add to the equation of optimal decision making. Once we acknowledge our Mindless Monster (or Monsters); pay attention to our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions; and accept them without judgment we can then choose to move forward and silence our Mindless Monster(s) with our Mindful Captain.
We know that life will present challenges. Our Mindful Captain is fearless, giving us the courage to move through challenges regardless of the outcome. Mindfully moving through those challenges offers many opportunities for awareness, growth, and the ability to view situations from a new perspective. Time is precious and we know that when we are stuck in old patterns of thinking and behaving we lose those precious moments.
When we engage our Mindful Captain, time is our friend and we push through those negative patterns and are able to embrace new horizons, have a fresh look, and begin building the infrastructure of living in the moment. Regardless of the challenges we face, when we acknowledge, pay attention, and accept without judgment, we are better able to choose how experiences will impact our lives and increase our propensity for happiness. Let’s begin empowering your Mindful Captain by reflecting upon your personal inner voices.
Staying focused in the moment is the job of our Mindful Captain. This is the only voice we want to hear and engage while responding to our experiences. Viewing our experiences through the lens of mindfulness will empower us to invite our Mindless Monster to take a back seat. Are you willing to choose to be the Mindful Captain of your ship? If your answer is yes, it is time to stop Taking orders from your Mindless Monster.
What is the role of your Mindful Captain?
Responds
Listens
Takes Risks
Facilitates Guiltless Self Care
Mindful Lemon Imagery
1. Close your eyes.
2. Imagine that you have a bowl filled with lemons cut up in small pieces.
3. Imagine taking one piece and putting it in your mouth.
4. Imagine sucking on the lemon.
5. Notice what happens.
CH 10 MINDFUL COMMUNICATION
MAC Your Communication
When we engage in communication without the impediment of internal or external filters, our connection to the person with whom we are communicating strengthens. There are many styles of communication that are related to one’s experience, culture, age, gender, and environment. The most important ingredient to consider is whether or not we are effectively connecting with the listener(s). Regardless of communication style, most of what is communicated is nonverbal. If we stop and think about this, how often are we aware of our facial expressions, body language, physical distance, and tone of speech? We may not be aware of these communicators, yet those we are speaking to are directly impacted by these nonverbal messages. Paying attention to feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and instincts are all nonverbal ingredients that add to mindful communication.
Non-Verbal Communication
As we have discussed throughout this book, our body is always communicating. What information are we communicating with others? Let’s take a look. More often than not, we focus on facial expression when we communicate. There are many other communicators that take an active role and add to a mindful communication interaction. Body language in the form of gestures is an interesting phenomenon in communication. Several studies have found that listener’s focus on the speaker’s face rather than the gestures being made during a verbal interaction. However, listeners focus on the speaker’s gestures more often when 1) the speaker looks at his/her own gestures while speaking, 2) when the gesture is located on the periphery of the speaker’s body and in front of the listener’s and 3) when the gesture is suspended in midair with a pause before the speaker continues.1 This example of gesturing while speaking reminds us that our attention to our own body language increases the listener’s propensity for focusing not only on our facial expressions but our gestures as well.
Many of us have experienced communicating with someone who speaks a language other than our own. Various attempts at gestures and facial expression can be surprisingly successful. Effectively communicating human emotion through facial expression, even if one does not speak the same language, can happen. In addition to facial expression, does one’s tone of voice add to effectively communicating emotion? Does culture factor in how much emotion is communicated? One study found that a speaker’s tone of voice was effectively able to communicate emotion regardless of the linguistic similarity. However, in this study, native Argentine speakers were able to recognize emotions more through vocal cues. This result leads to the conclusion that culturally-learned facial and vocal behaviors are recognized and increase communication.2
Boys and Girls
From an early age, we begin to see differences between how girls and boys communicate with each other. Boys generally communicate in groups with strong ties, usually in the form of an activity with well-defined dominance hierarchies. True to what many expect of boys, they generally engage in more physical rough play and when they reach adolescence, they engage in more sports and games than girls do. Boys have been found to talk frequently to each other during their interactions, yet girls have more extensive interactions with their peers. It is not unusual to find girls talking for hours with each other. Think about the average sleepover. Girls often sit up all night talking while boys often sit up all night playing games.
As girls approach adolescence they share more about themselves than boys do and are more cooperative with each other.3 Adolescence is a time of increased communication with peers as adolescents are in a place of both physical and emotional transformation. Communicating with others who are experiencing similar changes can be soothing and affirming, yet the pull toward acceptance and competition can derail effective communication with emotional reactions and irrational thinking. Many of the communication patterns that develop for boys and girls continue well into adulthood and color the interactions in friendships, couples, parenting, and the workplace.
Men and Women in the Workplace
Most of us may agree that there are clear differences in the communication styles between men and women. There is a plethora of information regarding these differences. They have been discussed, accepted, tolerated, and often unchallenged over the decades. As women have fought for equal rights and have taken significant leadership roles in the workforce, communication styles have been examined and the environment of organizations has changed. With regard to sales positions, women have been found to develop the relationship first and then focus on reaching the goal of the sale. Men, on the other hand, tend to be more direct and focus on reaching the goal, building the relationship in the process.4 One might argue that women have been leaders throughout history and have been striving for recognition and equal rights for centuries. When we look at what is important in life, we realize that being an integral and active participant in relationships is the key, not only to healthy ego development, but happiness as well. Taking this a step further, when we are happy we live healthier lives. One might say that bearing and raising children, managing a household, being a support to partners and family, and over the last few decades, becoming a major player in the workforce places women in key position for leadership. To that end, they have developed a variety of communication skills to be successful leaders.
Although more women are in management positions, African American and Asian American women still comprise only 5.3% and 2.7% of all management positions, respectively.5 Even though women hold management positions, men still hold significantly more leadership positions. When we look at the differences between how men and women communicate, one might come to the conclusion that women are not strong leaders since their communication style is not dominant. On the other hand, women excel in communication due to their ability to process, explore, and listen. For example, men have been found to use language to enhance social dominance whereas women use language to enhance social relationships. In addition, men tend to offer solutions to problems to avoid unnecessary discussion of interpersonal problems while women use more expressive, polite, and tentative communication.6 One might perceive that avoiding discussion of interpersonal problems may detract from understanding what is going on and women’s tendency to be polite and tentative may be viewed as a weakness in leadership. In general, male leaders may be viewed as “take charge” and female leaders more “take care.”7
Men and Women Communicating
Let’s take a look at two communication experts. John Gray’s description of differences in communication styles between men and women from his book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in a Relationship has been read by millions of people seeking information on how to effectively communicate to develop intimate relationships. In her book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Deborah Tannen also discusses the gender differences in communication styles between men and women, but focuses more on how gender differences begin at a young age.
Children Communicating With Children
If you have ever witnessed children playing together, or for that matter, remember your own experiences playing as a child, you will notice how different the communication style of children is from that of adults. Children live in the present. They are spontaneous, creative, and intelligent beings that love adventure. The world is their playground. Children are mindful beings.
Let’s read the story of Jack and Jane. It may sound familiar.
Jane comes to Jack’s house and taps on the window. She has a big smile on her face. Jack runs to the door without saying a word. There is no plan, simply acknowledging the moment as he joins Jane witnessing the vast world before them. He asks, “Want to play?” She says, “Let’s go!” This begins their journey for the day. Together they look around and pay attention to how they feel and what they see. They walk toward the park together. It’s a familiar place. At the same time, they see a large mound of sand that stands about six feet tall. This is a new addition. They are not thinking about the purpose of this mound. They run up the mound. Laughing hysterically, they run down, failing to notice their sand-filled shoes. They both look up at the mound. They grab each other’s hands, run up to the top, and roll wildly down, feeling the rush of wind and excitement of the unknown.
When they get to the bottom, they are full of sand from head to toe. Looking up at the mound, then the sky, then at each other, they settle down. Jack says, “I’m hungry.” Jane reminds him it’s her turn to bring a snack. She runs over to her backpack and shares a yogurt, a piece of fruit, nuts, and a bottle of water. Still full of sand, they lick the yogurt off their lips, smell the different scents, and touch the soft fruit as they stir the yogurt around in the cups. When they eat the nuts, both Jack and Jane hold the nuts in their hands and decide to share by evening up the small ones and big ones. They pay attention to their senses while eating and then take a few sips of water. All at once they look at each other, place the empty snack packages in the backpack, and run up the mound once again. This time they discover a new way to play. They find a large piece of cardboard they can both sit on. They drag it up the mound, sit on it together, hold on to each other and slide down, all the while laughing hysterically! After all this excitement, they see some friends playing on the jungle gym. In unison, they run to join them and report the details of their adventure. What a day!
Parents Communicating With Children
Communication styles between parents and children can set the stage for positive or negative childhood development that impacts children’s relationships not only with their parents, but with their future partners, friendships, and eventually their own children. After reading the story about Jack and Jane, adults may not view climbing up and down a sand mound as being as exciting as a child would. What may come to our mind? We might ruminate about the past—“I remember when I fell down and sprained my ankle, this is too dangerous!” We might project into the future—“What a mess, I don’t have time for cleaning up all this sand, and the laundry and sand all over the bathtub!” Unfortunately, parents often insulate themselves from the fun and spontaneity of child’s play by worrying and projecting negative thoughts. This can create a barrier between parent and child. Short of safety measures, parents may find themselves having more fun if they communicate with their children with mindfulness.
We develop our listening skills early in our own childhood. How we pay attention follows us in all of our relationships. The relationship between parent and child is especially important because prior to the child’s development of language skills, parents must develop acute sensitivity to the non-verbal cues that are critical in identifying a child’s needs. When parents are not paying attention, the bond that creates trust is decreased, setting the stage for an unhappy child. Parents are given the responsibility to keep children safe from themselves as well as others. The child’s cry is only one avenue of communication; body language such as relaxed or stiff muscles, facial expression, tone, and intensity of vocalizations and frequency are all indicators of how children communicate.
As children mature, parents are challenged by their child’s independence, which begins at two years old and continues until early adulthood. Other communication styles come into play as the child matures and more often than not, a parent’s emotional tolerance is challenged. From the moment a child begins saying “No!” during toddlerhood to “I’m not coming home at that time; everyone else gets to stay out!” parents are challenged. Emotional regulation is often out of balance with parents doing more reacting than responding and moving into fight or flight scenarios. When parents are mindful, they are better equipped to acknowledge their experience as it is happening by empathically “walking in the child’s shoes,” paying attention to how the child is feeling and behaving, accepting their experience with their child without judgment, and with a compassionate presence. Last but not least, mindful parents choose to live harmoniously in the experience with their child and are able to let go of any negativity that might keep them stuck.
The Mindful Parent
The mindful parent responds rather than reacts. Acknowledging the experience just as it is without adding internal or external filters; paying attention to all aspects of the experience; letting go of judgment, and choosing to embrace the experience may bring lots of joy and connection between a parent and child. When we think about stories that bring laughter, they are often about spontaneous events that have occurred, or an unexpected outcome. Simply stated, they are about a mindful experience!
Empathically Acknowledge
Paraphrase to let the receiver know that you understand what is being communicated. Use your own words to state what you are hearing. Use the sender’s words for clarification.
Tips
• Offer a couple of sentences for every key point the sender makes.
• Try to experience exactly what the sender is communicating.
• If you don’t understand, share what you did understand and ask for clarification.
Intentional Attention
Describe your observations of the sender’s behavior to clarify what you see feel and hear.
Notice:
• Affect
• Tone of voice
• Rate of speech
• Body language
• Emotions
Example
Mary:
I don’t have tickets for the concert to see my favorite recording artist. John said he would pick up the tickets, but he forgot. I guess there’s always next time.
Paul:
It appears to me that you are disappointed that you are not going. Are you upset with John for forgetting?
Mary:
No, there’s nothing I can do now. (Mary’s face tightens. Her voice is restricted and has a low growl to it.)
Paul:
I feel that you are upset with John as I see your face tighten and hear some anger in your voice.
Mary:
I suppose I am a bit upset with John. I guess I didn’t want to admit it. I think I will discuss it with him.
Accept Without Judgment
Before you offer feedback, wait until the sender is finished speaking; then you can give your thoughts, opinions, and feelings without judgment.
Tips
Allow the speaker to finish before you speak.
Accept what was communicated.
Keep the speaker’s thoughts and feelings in mind when responding.
Willingly Choose
When we own our experience and make “I” statements, we take responsibility for our actions, words, and behavior, which enhances our ability to communicate mindfully.
Listen to the Silence
People often do not want our opinions or advice; they simply want to be heard. Be mindful of sharing a loving presence when words are not necessary.
Choose a time during the week when you can observe silence for a few hours. Turn off the cell phone, television, IPod, and any verbal communication. Describe your experience.